The Inside Christmas Stories From Lapland HQ…

Statue of superhero boy

  • Elves job security is still a huge talking point. The cancelling of Christmas rumour is seen by most as a wild exaggeration although cut backs cannot be ruled out. Present lists are still as long as usual but there is far more parental scribbling out, even expletives next to some present requests. Elves redundancy rules have not been used for some time, but on the last in first out principle any Elf with less than 743 years service could be at risk.
  • GAFGOI (Grottos Are Fake Get Over It) is again working hard to prevent false FCs duping children. As usual, faulty presents will be delivered to all humans who have impersonated The Great One.
  • Much celebrated at The Christmas launch party on Dec 1st. was the news that FC’s annual diet has gone well, so much so He believes 17% more chimneys have become available to him as preferred method of entry.
  • To meet WWL (Winter Wonder Land) emissions targets, The Sledge’s power plant will be totally carbon neutral through the fitting of a methane gas conversion to all engine exhausts. This will also increase power output by at least 10 BRP. FC is also delighted because for the first time whilst driving he doesn’t have to wear a gas mask under his beard.
  • Our intelligence services drone spy aircraft (disguised as birds) are picking up kitchen gossip that reindeer carrots and sherry treats will be severely cut back this year. Their representative Rudolph commented, ‘my members rely on tips as part of their wages, so don’t expect to see much shiny noses this year
  • Toy Factory number 1 is now producing The Fat Cat (not so) cuddly toy, with expressions to order. The cat that got the cream is the least popular version and will be discontinued; the cat that swallowed a wasp whilst coping with the Norovirus expression is the biggest request.
  • Finally, negotiations continue with the other Great One’s representatives about a concordat on the real meaning of Christmas. This is an ongoing process that makes little progress. Every year the same debate, Lapland making the case for presents and jollity the other side for spiritual reflection and helping others. Our idea of a ‘one present solution’ with a Retuning Messiah in Box gift set, delivered to every home has again been rejected as ‘unworkable’.